Lots of have happened over the last 5 months. I’m now officially single. This is a good and bad thing. I miss my family, I miss my boys. I do not miss the drama that comes with being married to man with mental health issues.
I don’t think anyone truly appreciates how hard it is to be with someone who does not want to live. Mental health is such a taboo subject. I find people don’t want to talk about it. It makes them feel uncomfortable. The question then becomes how do people with mental health issues get help if society makes them feel like there is something wrong with them if they talk about it? I mean if someone had a broken arm people wouldn’t ask you not to talk about it, but we start whispering and become quiet if it’s mental health? If you are the partner or a family member of someone with mental illness it’s even harder. People judge you. I’m not sure they mean to but they do. You’re meant to support that person. You get told to “cheer them up” make them feel special. It’s not about you, it’s not about anything you’re really doing, it’s their brain chemistry. It’s out of balance, no amount of cheer is going to make them feel better.
So here I was, I felt alone in a room of people. I felt taken advantage of, taken for granted, unappreciated. I’ve chosen to be alone now. I don’t feel so lonely anymore. I like my own company far too much. I miss my boys, they are my true soul mates. Other than that I like my life. I’m in charge of what happens and when. I can’t say that I don’t miss cuddles but I haven’t been held in many many years, so it’s not a big sacrifice.